"TheOldBarbershop" - created along the lines of the old barbershops, same but different, where folks would gather to visit with friends - share life experiences - tall tales - or maybe discuss politics, religion, sports, news, weather, current affairs or just about anything interesting or imaginable

- "the free right to unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion" - characters with character preferred ... "the only barbershop in the civilized world with such a veritable smorgasbord of divers and sundry features, all perpetrated by the most incomparable and sapient, albeit infamous, conglomeration of colorful characters ever assembled" ... with a little help from the misadventures of our friends in Washington, the Media, Major League Baseball, and the Atlanta Braves.

We thought it might be good to tell folks a bit about the old barbershop, its history and its barbers ... somehow I got elected ... that's another way of saying that the Southern Jackass is a whole bunch bigger than me!Miss Carol says I'm an old rambling wreck from Georgia Tech ... and all four are true, but I ain't no engineer! It ain't by intent that I ramble but as you'll see, it takes me four pages to write what others do in less than one ... advance sincere apologies! If you've read our story then welcome back! If not ... you don't know what you been missing ... Oh Boy! Please take a moment and find out why we call it Plato's Place!

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hello all

The Old Barbershop, circa 300 b.c. ... its first proprietor was also the founder of the Democratic Party though I understand he didn't attend this year's convention, some say it was due to gas prices but, I don't think he was invited ... nice fellow by the name of Democritus, though his shop didn't really start out having no name. Methinks you'll recognize the names of some the lead barbers during those early days: Anaxagoras, Empedocles, Parmenides, Xenophanes, and Socrates. Plato watched Socrates who taught him everything he knew about cutting hair ... turned the shop over to Plato and went fishing with Isaac Newton. Plato designed a complete set of new bowls ... of different sizes and shapes, and some high quality cutting tools too ... truly an advancement in the technology of the day ... and, man could he cut hair ... that was in about 387 b.c., based on some of his manuscripts recently sold on EBAY, that were so dated. He got so famous that the shop became known as Plato's Place, and the lead barbers that followed were famous too ... Speusippus, Xenocrates, Polemon, Crates, and Crantor ... every one a member of the Barbering School Hall of Fame. Plato's Braves

That's right, Plato's Place was a barbering school ... that's why some folks called it Plato's Academy ... he set the standard for barbershops ... they even had music for the barbers and patrons to listen to ... they talked about most anything and everything, including the Athens' Braves ... free candy and grapes too, same as us ... only different. Aristotle was a long time patron, cut a good head of hair, and made the hall too, but was never the Place's lead barber. Arcesilaus bought out Plato's Place in 265 b.c. ... remodeled and renamed it "The New Barbershop" ... ever since then, folks have referred to Plato's Place as "The Old Barbershop" ... it was before my time but folks say Plato hung a sign over the door to his Place ... "No free Hair Cuts" ... no, methinks that was something Polonius said to Laertes ... Plato's sign supposedly read "Let no one who cannot think geometrically enter". We looked for that sign all over the shop ... even under the floor and in the attic ... never did find it ... but, back in the Back Room under all the trash was a battered old sign ... so caked with dirt and crud that you couldn't even tell it was a sign ... not until we used some ST37 to clean it up ... "No Free Hair Cuts" ... it's true! we checked the county records and they show that Laertes owned the old barbershop long before we bought it. Dang! Double Dang!! Well that's a mighty valuable artifact ... and it would be neat to use it, but the Southern Jackass(SJA) thought it best that we hone our skills and get more patrons before adopting such a rule. Most folks would've been satisfied but finding that old sign really piqued my interest and I renewed the search for other treasures ... more money in finding such things than in barbering, methinks ... and besides, no folks to get mad when you snip off a piece of their ear. I finally found what I was looking for ... that's right, the ancient old sign that Plato hung up in the shop, back when it first opened ... "never give up" ... no, that's what I say, not the sign ... the sign reads "Let no unfair or unjust person enter" ... well, that's not exactly what folks thought it said ... but it was Greek to them so they didn't really know. old barber

Yes, I misuse and abuse this language I love ... sometimes even intentionally ... but, we must first laugh at outselves if we are to laugh with others ... and even were that not the case, folks usually see and hear what they expect and/or desire. Where am I headed? ... only TheShadow

The ShadowThe Shadow knows for sure, and he hasn't told me a thing ... there may be some misdirection for effect, but chances are it'll simply be me getting my bearings and changing course ... gee, haw, mush, whoa! We in the old barbershop like both Grand Opera and the Grand Ole Opry ... ain't much difference ... good barbershop too! Oops, almost forgot ... here in the new old barbershop, you have to stay alert ... else, no telling what you're liable to miss! We, especially me, like to embed hidden polls, audio, and video ... other stuff too! Them poles is pretty easy to spot ... you'll know when you see one ... just remember to toggle the pole to open and close. Whenever you see words in blue, likely as not there's an audio, video, or something else hidden behind it ... a single click is all it takes, well sometimes two. Speaking of getting your bearings and changing course ... you see where it says pages followed by them numbers in purple boxes ... I sometimes use multiple pages and this is just page one! Luckily for you, I'm the only one what does ...

Sometimes I think all great thoughts have done been thunk ... and all great deeds done been did ...Methinks it's as easy to become victimized by an overwhelming sense of irrelevance as it is by an unwarranted sense of relevance or self-importance ... I'm not sure which claims more victims, but there are a whole bunch of us that have tasted both ... that's for sure! ... Seems the old barbershop is all about history ... Our old friend the Christmas Stealer writes about it ... The "Weed's" dad teaches it ... Miss Carol studied it and we're all living it, whether or not we so realize. And, from a baseball perspective, for the last three years, come the All Star break, the Braves were it ... history. What we are, we are ... what we've been is history ... what we're going to be ... and do ... is history waiting to be written. As a result of what is, it's anticipated that changes are in store for the Braves ... we've already had some ... and more are yet to come, or so methinks ... ... and yes, for the old barbershop too! Dang, Double Dang! Oh the humanity!! ... There's nothing wrong with the Braves!! We can win it all, mostly with what we've got ... it's not a matter of money ... the talent hasn't disappeared ... it's the heart, soul, leadership and those things above the neck that may need fixing! We're still on the outside looking in ... but, close your eyes, use your ken ... there's nothing wrong with your vision, the picture's crystal clear ... No, I don't think this is going to be about baseball ... maybe, but rather what we've been ... what we are ... and what we can or will be. Mama always said ... and Daddy agreed ... first impressions are important, only in that they're hard to overcome ... and Daddy emphasized that it may take a man some time to establish his good reputation ... but only a moment to destroy it! Many of us can attest to the validity of that ... including me, Bobby Cox and the Braves methinks ... at least one or two Understood perhaps by few, and rejected by those who are victims of an unwarranted sense of self, is that we ourselves are the ones most responsible for the perceptions held of us by others ... Why all this talk about baseball and the Atlanta Braves here in the old barbershop? The answer is simple ... history! Jimmy Smith (JJS), The Southern Jackass (SJA) and I first "met" on a baseball blog sponsored by a "fishwrap" known as the "Atlanta Journal & Constitution" or the "AJC" ... yes, and young Matthew too. Miss Carol and I met long ago, back when Plato was still running the Shop, methinks I was intrigued by that blog ... well, to be honest, mostly it was this poor, befuddling Africian journalist from Uganda who seemed to be preoccupied with toes and their relevance to baseball performance. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed for him ... but, he had his tiger by the toe and wasn't about to let go, I thought. Because of my friendship with others from East Africa, I was aware of some of the many cultural differences, including their thinking and manner of self expression ... though I must admit that his were unique. While my experiences with them had never involved baseball ... soccer, a game of the feet, was a different story ... and of course, they were all into walking, running and bicycling. It did help explain his preoccupation with toes, I thought ... In spite of his awkwardness; his strange third person and lowercase manner of self expression ... for some reason I found him rather humorous and insightful. It wasn't until some time later that I found out that all that was but a sham ... there was no Jimmy Smith, Ugandan journalist ... that was just a character he made up to fool folks, like the screen masks the others wore, only different! His real name is James Jeffery Smith, born right there in Georgia, same as me ... his grandfather had brought his family over from Uganda back in 1941 as things were heating up in North Africa, settling in Cordele. All this knowledge he had about Africa came from what he was told by his daddy and granddaddy growing up ... and more recently, visits to his relatives back in Kampala. No matter what you may have heard, that's the real skinny! Regardless of the sham, or perhaps because of it, ... for better or worse, he's the real reason for my participation on the AJC's Braves' blog! Regarding the changing of perceptions held by others, Mama said "tain't easy McGee" Fibber McGee

... after the 'Fibber' ... "but, telling folks they're wrong is a knife that ain't gonna cut soft butter, much less the cake" ... Speaking of which, I can attest to that too ...

I knows that my abilities at self-expression are severely limited, and my bouts of "hoof-in-mouth" disease are infamous in some circles ... but, mine are always good intentions, at least I so rationalize, and do certainly so hope ... No, tain't easy McGee, but that's life and it's a ride that's been worth the taking, methinks ... and I'm appreciative of all who have tried to understand ... me, us and what we're about. I'm especially appreciative of the few crazies who have an understanding and appreciation of my own distorted sense of humor and what I sometimes try to seriously convey ... and all the resulting friendships ... goodness ... This isn't where I was headed ... how did I get here? ... or is it hear?

Yes, the insights, imagination and wit of James Jeffery Smith, the Ugandan journalist of Cordele (JJS) ... these are among my most favorite things. More importantly, he's my friend! Jimmy Smith

Nobody knows what Jimmy really looks like, at least until now ... he can say more with a couple of words and a picture than most of us can in two or three pages ... you'll find proof positive on the walls of the Shop and his frequent comments!

There you'll also find his ward and our favorite columnist, Baby Seal ... and his entourage of some very special friends! Like the wonderful Sarah Cannon said more often than I say "methinks" ... "Howdeeee! I'm jest so proud to be here!" with these two unbelievable talents ... and if that sounds contrived to you, then kiss my grits! No, I wouldn't wish my grits on anyone ... I don't eat 'em myself ... but, it's true, every word, give or take a lie or two!

Yes, the "Southern Jackass" was there too when I arrived ... No need to put up no picture, everybody knows what he looks like ... he's made sure of that and he's self named too ... did his best to convince folks he was what he seemed to be! Did a good job, he did ... some may wonder how it is that "SJA" received total and unequivocal acceptance from Bob, journalist ... while others did not? Have you ever pondered that? ... I'm sure some have and their conclusions would be most interesting. Could be it's because we're so much alike ... or maybe that opposites attract. I'll never tell ... but, I started calling him "The Southern Jackass, Most Honorable", almost from the beginning! I will tell you too that when he asked if I would like to help him fix this place up and maybe cut some hair, I thought he was plum crazy ... but being his friend, I couldn't rightly say no! It would have helped some had he told me that he was a master barber and the best danged wordsmith and story teller in the whole wide world! We're all unique ... it's just that the Southern Jackass and the Ugandan Journalist are so much more unique than others! It's hard to comprehend such creative genius ... but it's awfully easy to enjoy! ... For some strange reason, JJS gave me the title of "journalist" ... maybe because we took the Atlanta Journal when I was a little boy ... I thought it was a joke but it made me feel good that he did! The original Bob, journalist was far more of a character than a mask ... though that was never understood, for better or for worse, regardless of my repeated efforts to make it clear. However, my preoccupation with the importance of understanding meaning, motivation and intent rather than words was, and is, me ... like Jeffery says, what a man says is more than just a bunch of words strung together. The rumor that I psychoanalyze is ill founded too, a misconception and a joke ... indeed, it's something about which I know nothing, except that it's a big word ... but I do know the "why" is usually more important than the "what" ... as is effective use of the third eye and ear more important than the use of the other two, or is it four? Excluding those most severely victimized by an overwhelming sense of irrelevance, most of what the majority of us do is either agenda or self-interest driven. That's both good and bad depending on how well it's kept in proper perspective, or so I honestly believe ... of course I do support some agendae, oppose others ... stand up, stand up I say ... for that in which you believe ... better that than staying seated, methinks ... the King of England and taxes you know. "When you don't stand up for what you believe in ... it's much the same thing as standing up for those things you don't!" ... we didn't find no such sign but my guess is that Plato probably taught that in his barbering school. It seems to me that among those many forces deep down inside that causes the Southern Jackass to be what he is ... is a true blue, foursquare compulsion ... God didn't pass that around to everybody. For some, nay for many, friendships are a matter of convenience ... friends are but bedfellows based on agenda, and when the chips are down or adversity must be faced, those folks come up short, or at least those friendships become fractured ... not so with SJA and JJS ... They have that compulsion while most of us do not ... perhaps they do because we don't ... I believe we should, but I'm not sure it's a reasonable expectation. Compulsion or no, my friendships are not agenda based, and I treasure my friends ... all of them! I'm somehow reminded of having once been told of someone's disappointment in my liking folks who didn't like them ... 'twas the wrong thing to say! ...

In the Shop, I talk a lot about mirrors and self-portraits ... the perception that others have is one thing, how we see ourselves is another. The notion of mirrors and self-portraits ... seemed rather easy to grasp ... but, when you try to grab hold of it, things just ain't as simple as they might seem, ... ; Registration code (if you have it) ; Reglink opened in new frame? ; Name of new frame for reglink ; resolution (1-8) ; pause (value = milliseconds). ; Num. of horizontal tiles ; Num. of vertical tiles ; Num. steps for tile rotation (8 .. 32) ; Optional background image ; Red in background (0 .. 255) ; Green in background (0 .. 255) ; Blue in background (0 .. 255) ; Optional image over applet ; Over image X offset ; Over image Y offset ; Memory deallocation delay ; Task priority (1..10) ; Min. milliseconds/frame for sync Please download Java(tm). danged if some self-portraits aren't almost photographic in their reproduction while some mirrors give distorted renderings of reality. It's not enough to just use any old mirrors for reflection ... they must be of the right stuff and kind. I talk a lot about things of which I know nothing too, but if I didn't, I wouldn't have anything to say ... it's another thing that differentiates SJA and JJS from most methinks ... SJA's ability to reflect and look deep down inside ... and to be honest with himself ... is rare ... at least my experience has been that most either cannot or are unwilling to so do ... it is not just coincidence or happenstance that Polonius, a secondary character, is among the best remembered of the Bard's creations ... for his advice to his son Laertes ... "to thine own self be true" Why? Methinks it's because of recognition, not only of it's importance, but also it's rarity as an innate quality ... and for those who try, the difficulty lies within it's effecting ... I'm envious of this jackass, true blue and foursquare, who knows himself so well ... it's that for which I always strive but almost always fail ...

Most of us hear it ... then knowingly nod, hardly giving it another thought ... but, nothing much compares with it's profundity ... It's hard to find a post I've written that doesn't mention me mama. It's true that I sometimes take a little license when referring to Mama ... but, my mother is the picture I try to paint. She admonished me, it seems like 10,000 times, when I articulated and/or apologized for my weaknesses, limitations and faults ... "that's my boy you're talking about ... careful what you say"! She did far more than that when others joined in and articulated my weaknesses, limitations and faults! ... Now you have my perception of JJS and the true blue and foursquare Southern Jackass ... but after so writing and reflecting, I'm not sure that I can answer the questions ... truth is, I've forgotten what they were! However, it was rather obvious that them two were something other than how they were being perceived ... honest, consistent, of good heart, and opposed to apathy was the impression I then shared with others and I can assure you that I am now sure that they are indeed that ... that, and oh so much more! They're my friends, JJS and SJA ... so careful what you say!

Mother knew Polonius ... and agreed with him too ... though she would loan anyone in need anything she had, without expectation of it being returned, including money. Like Houseman's wisdom ... Mama's words weren't truly appreciated until long after they were received .. though they were the topic of frequent discussion ... Being true to yourself ... knowing yourself .. the individual behind the many masks ... it's a rare gift, perhaps the rarest of all .. the trick methinks, is knowing how to use it ... Knowing who and what we are ... recognizing our limitations ... shortcomings ... and weaknesses ... that's power that the majority of humanity does not possess. Unfortunately, those few so gifted frequently turn it into a liability rather than an asset. They allow the realization of their limitations ... shortcomings ... weaknesses ... and past failures or rejections to give them fear of failure rather than confidence in success as it should ... and when adversity is encountered, they see history repeating itself ... oftentimes giving up in frustration rather than defining and addressing the problems ... Those who confuse self-portraits with mirrors admire themselves and blindly go forth with total confidence, for they believe they possess all the answers, usually surrounding themselves with non-threatening, kindred spirits ... they are the truly enlightened! ... Say it ain't so Joe! ...

Back to the trick ... Thanks to Prince Albert Gore's invention ...

that which he purloined from Vinton Cerf methinks ... everyone has a potential audience of millions ... nay, billions I say ... and with such potential, folks can easily get disciples and a flock, no matter what it is they're preaching ... Polonius ... Mama ... Jesus Christ ... Buddha, and the Dalai Lama too ... they each said ... to thine own self be true! In plain talk, don't apostatize! Mama's admonishment was out of concern that I would allow critical self-evaluation to undermine my self-confidence, thus preventing me from being all that I could be ... and though I protested, methinks her concerns were probably well justified ... just think, I coulda been a contender ... I coulda been somebody! I'm still uncertain of where I was going and not really sure of where I've been ... but here we are, right back where we started again ... Yes, "TheOldBarbershop" is about history too ... we are what we are as a result of our experiences! Our views ... interests ... memories ... stories ... decisions ... beliefs, our likes and dislikes too ... all reflect our past history ... I hope others will share theirs with us ... in so doing, they'll be making history too ... TheOldBarbershop is diverse from most ... or I would so hope ... if not, you can rest assured that's it's soon going to be. "No Free Hair Cuts Here" ... well, maybe one or two, but everybody carries his weight ... our sign, all polished up and ready to be hung, is the one methinks Plato first so did, right here in the shop some 875,000 days ago, give or take a few ... "Let no unfair or unjust person enter." No, we ain't replacing no mirrors ... though we're going to watch them close ...

and if you can't think geometrically, that's okay ... the three of us can't cut hair neither, were it not for them bowls, but as you can see ... it was that or jail for Jimmy, SJA and me! It's done wonders for us too ... I've slept at the Holiday Inn Express twice, methinks SJA's becoming more famous than Chill Wills and jimmy smith is getting ready for a serious run for the Presidency! We truly love sports and our team(s) and that will always be on the agenda ... but for goodness sake, there are so many Braves' blogs already out there ... and Tigers ... and Mets ... and Yankees ... and Cards ... and Orioles too, just to name a few ... Ashu, our young barbering buddy from India loves Cricket and is a Manchester United fan too ... so have no fear, you can always talk sports here! Our vision is to feature a flow of diverse topics such as world affairs, politics, religion, tall tales, current events, true stories pertaining to actual life events and sports, including the Braves ... some topics that aren't presently being discussed on most of the other sites, and those which may not be warmly welcomed on many others ... topics such as those you might find if you walked into an old barbershop on a busy Saturday morning ... just a friendly and lighthearted atmosphere, with everyone being treated equal ... simply a place where folks feel welcome and comfortable discussing whatever might be on their minds ... a place that ultimately stands on no other foundation than that of the strength of it's characters and quality of it's content ... To this end we've added some "Special Features" and as with the Braves, more changes are yet to come and the future looks mighty bright indeed!

We've been truly blessed to add first Matthew then Miss Carol and now Ashu too ... to help with the barbering chores ... from three characters to six! There's always room for one or 100 more ... whether it be occasionally or all the time! You got a story to write, a memory to share ... or something important to say where comments won't do it justice, we'll find a barber's chair ... put your name on it, and figure out a way to git her did! It don't really have to be important ... What is important is that we share ... thoughts, ideas, memories, stories, and yes, recipes too ... if we don't, chances are, one day they'll be lost forever! Plato and them boys knew that. If we can bring a smile or two, maybe sometimes a tear ... cause somebody to pause and ponder ... and in the process make a new friend ... beats making money, now don't it?! Well, that's a bit about us ... folks that have read what I've writ know that Daddy said "you can't tell much about a man by listening to his well rehearsed and memorized spiel" ... he said that a long time ago but it's still true ... maybe more than ever before! For the few who have read this far ... you're either a glutton for punishment, a relative, or a throwback as rare and treasured as any antique, regardless of your age! The fad these days seems for everybody to network and add as many FRIENDS as possible ... we too want to add as many friends as possible ... we have no ads for you to see or click ... we're looking to make friends, real friends ... we hope you'll visit often and will take the time to leave a comment or two, if only to say hi, each and every time you do! Your comments are important to us barbers ... how else can we know if you want a Flattop, Mohawk or Mullet ... your nails polished or buffed? And besides, they make our day! While time changes most everything, our Proprietor's original greeting was truly

inspired ... and it's one thing that won't ... "Welcome to "TheOldBarbershop" ... characters with character preferred, ladies too ... please take a seat and wait your turn ... leaf through a magazine or shoot the breeze with a friend ... when it's your turn in the barber's chair, be ready to share an interesting story, a tall tale or whatever is on your mind ... tips encouraged and appreciated ... no topic off-limits ... if you can't behave, use profanity, pick fights or spit on the floor you will politely be shown the door" ... "Let no unfair or unjust person enter." That means we welcome all beliefs and points of view ... just keep it fair and keep it just ... that's a must! No free haircuts except on special occasions but the candy's always on the house! No matter the grandiloquence, regardless the form ... this is what "TheOldBarbershop" is to us ... this is where our passions lie ... it's of little significance whether we have a multitude of visitors each day ... or just a few ... as one good friend said, "to thine own self be true, to hell with the naysayers!"

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One of Miss Carol's favorite expressions ... reserved especially for me is You're a crazy person!! She knows me well ... the simple truth is that I'm crazy ... about her!! She wants you to know how much you all mean to her ... Matt, Jimmy and John, but especially all those who have visited the shop and had reason to pause reflect and smile!

TheSouthernJackAss' Stall!	Issues Facing Sports	Thoughts From Centerfield	Barbers International	Miss Carol's Salon ...
Links To The Old Barbershop's Special Features
Humor, Satire, Tall Tales ... all with a kick ... from the one and only ...	Tiger Woods	Braves Making Noise, Covering MLB Rumor Mill	Our Man In India	Ask Miss Know It All Incident At Niihau
Barbershop's Cookbook	Barbershop Poles	Magic Moments	Gone - Not Forgotten	Non-Political Politics
... Favorite Family Recipes ... Grandma's Teacakes		Priceless!	Alex Lees

Friday, May 30, 2008

Airline Announcements

Attention Please ...

With so many of you folks traveling such a fur piece to get your hair cut, nails done, beard trimmed or boots shined ... we've been asked by local pilot Foster Brooks to display these announcements somewhere here in TheOldBarbershop ... your suggestions as to the ideal spot would be greatly appreciated!

Maybe the Boss might take a pole ...

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" Upon landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

Our local airline has a policy which requires the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exit ... smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline"

Following yesterday's flight in that storm we had, Foster reports that one of our locals, a little old lady walking with a cane, ... who was the last one to deplane said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" ... "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't my fault, ... it was the asphalt."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ""We ask you to please remain seated with your seat belts fastened as Captain Kangaroo bounces what's left of our plane to the gate ... and Please take care when opening the overhead compartments 'cause sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that!"

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments"

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses ... except for that gentleman over there."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US"

Heard on a Southwest Airlines' flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em"

After the Braves' charter flight reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking ... the weather from New York to Los Angeles is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "I am so sorry if I scared you guys earlier ... while I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Bobby yelled back, "That's nothing you !@#$%&*, ... you should see the back of mine!"

29 comments:

Bob, journalist said...: Clicking on the "Foster Brooks" anchor is supposed to generate a pop-up window containing the "Foster Brooks - Dean Martin" Pilot routine ... but for some reason, my code doesn't work in Blogger.

Until debugged, the video will be shown in a "Foster Brooks" video bar.

Enjoy!; May 30, 2008 2:55 AM
Bob, journalist said...: Thanks Boss, the announcements are based on actual happenings, liberally abused.; May 30, 2008 1:47 PM
journalist jimmy smith said...: breaking news! is anyone reading?

Bear struck and killed on I-75 in Cobb

By MIKE MORRIS
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Published on: 05/30/08

A bear was struck by a vehicle and killed early Friday on a Cobb County interstate, police said.

Cobb police dispatchers said they began getting calls around 6 a.m. about a dead bear alongside I-75 southbound at I-285.

now, what was this bear doing when presumably struck by a motorist? was this bear looking for a missing zebra, perhaps? did this bear fall off a truck like the zebra or did this bear live close by?

and could this have been a chicago bear? a bear from the windy city. a bear that fell off a chewing gum truck making a local delivery.

or perhaps this was a baylor bear or a houndstooth bear from ala-bama. o-bama.

or maybe this bear was undercover and dressed like a dot worker. open game on dot workers on the interstates.

or was this smokey bear? a state patrol bear? this whole story is too much to bear.

and what happened to the little zebra? dropped out of the news like bill clinton. at least the zebra was not kileed. found a nice home walking around in circles and giving little children a zebra ride, with the occassional carrot. not many carrotts where the zebra came from but plenty of carrotts at the petting zoo.

and who would pet a bear? and did the bear attempt to cross the road? was the bear out of gas? and what gives bears gas? carrotts?

and now, maybe a blogger will wander by and blog with this journalist. even journalist bob and sja are away tonight. huntin' bear?

and when will these braves learn to score the runners? might as well have a bear at bat. and is it coincidental that the stars of the game did not play here previously?

and mark kotsay is out with a back problem. roughed up tussling with chipper's kids. now chipper is 0-4 and surely an injury is imminent.

well, this is a long post but jimmy smith is not competing with any other blogger for blog space.

soon, jimmy smith will leave this game and move to the kitchen for a late night snack.

and now they are showing bobby cox in the dugout and jimmy smith is no longer interested in a snack of any kind.

and, does anyone here remember a parent or a principal or a boss or a minister or anyone else held in high esteem that was a nose picker? only in baseball.

and dusty baker would not lean on that dugout railing in the braves' dugout. no sir, that would be sticky.; May 30, 2008 9:27 PM
Matthew, Dad to Walter said...: Hey all-I'm still here, but I've forgotten my Blogger password. Will stop backsliding once I remember it.; May 30, 2008 9:52 PM
Bob, journalist said...: What does Matthew have to say about "backsliding"? Mark? ... Luke? ... John? ... anyone?

Probably be Sunday's Sermon ...

A lame excuse but we forgive you ... and extend a Prodigal Son's welcome!; May 30, 2008 10:24 PM
Matthew, Dad to Walter said...: Thanks-I have other lame excuses if you really want to hear them.

Actually, Sunday's sermon comes from Haggai 2:10-19. I'll spare you the sermon here, but I'll be glad to e-mail the notes to anyone desiring to have their toes tramples...

My blog is finally updated BTW. Check the front page.

I'll comment on the Braves tomorrow, after I take about four of my Prilosec.; May 30, 2008 10:48 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Boss, he is indeed an inspiration ... might I suggest your inviting Mr. Smith to visit us? We might learn something ... and all barbers have good stories to tell!

Ask him if he's related to Jimmy ... key words "Cordele, Uganda, and Blue Worms"

If you have the number you could call ... bet he would love it!! ... or you could email ... or can you??; May 31, 2008 12:00 AM
Matthew, Dad to Walter said...: The Braves have tied the game on a Tex 3-run jack. This is the life. The laptop in the living room on wireless, being able to watch the game, and a big glass of sweet tea.

And working on the sermon at the same time!

Can I get an amen from the bobbleheads?; May 31, 2008 4:58 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Well, I still can't get my JavaScript to work ... and I missed Tex's jack but saw Bruce's ... my laptop doesn't work and if they don't start playing baseball as a team, I'm gonna start working on a sermon myself ... amen, brother!

Have they lost 20 consecutive road games where the outcome was decided by one run?

It's 19 or 20, methinks ...

Leo posited today that it's just coincidence ... could be, I suppose. However, if it is, it puts "The Streak" to shame ... (1/2) raised to the 20th power is a what they call nil!

It sounds to me like more "that's baseball" talk ... time to look for the reasons ... "fundamentally unsound baseball" sounds more like it, methinks.

Boss, can Lamar pitch?; May 31, 2008 10:05 PM
Gil in Mechanicsville said...: Escobar has taken to the lead off spot apparently with the same zeal as Marcus Giles did... Time to let Blanco lead off, he can't do any worse.... And what's with leaving Anderson on the bench, Norton is much better suited to pinch hit than Josh Anderson....; May 31, 2008 11:01 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Hi Gil!

We do think alike ... though I'd put Jeff in the leadoff position and force him to address some of his problems.

I don't agree that often with Leo but his observation that Jeff is immature, with an ego, seems on spot and is better addressed at 24 than 31.; June 1, 2008 12:11 AM
baBy sEal, coLLumist said...: i goT intO a fight witH somebOdy whO saiD thiS iS a haIrcuT bloG anD noT a BraVes baSebAll bLog. Sja, WoULd you plEaSE aDD sOMe gRapHics thAt mAke tHis lOOk mORe likE a baSeBaLL bLog? if So, i caN geT gRinCh to comE on Over.

i aM aboUt to Do sOMe awArd WiNNing joUrnaLism and . . .

BRaKinG NeWs! SomeThing iS wRong wIth HudSon! baCk sPaSms? gRoin? haMMock boNE? ObLiQue? hAmmy? tHumb? sHoulDer? TOE?? i hOpe it iS not a tOE.

and wHEn sittinG on a BucKEt, huDson sHoulD be TaUght to tUrn the buCket uPside DowN.

i aM woRking oN a piEce aBout thIS seAson and wIll have a CoLLum readY beFore tOO long.

i haVE to go tO cAnaDa witH jimmY smith fOr a feW days.; June 1, 2008 3:13 PM
journalist jimmy smith said...: oh, the humanity! another injury! this time to boyer . . .

and bobby cox is forced to go to bobby cox's bullpen yet again. should try to get 'em all some work today.

and it is now buddy carlyle's turn.

walks the bases loaded . . .; June 1, 2008 3:27 PM
journalist jimmy smith said...: look at the bright side - this will not be a one-run loss. and the announcers were speculating if the braves would sweep the reds or merely win 2 of 3 . . .

bobby cox needs a nickname. dusty is a nickname. sweet lou is a nickname. now, what kind of nickname would fit booggy cox? oops, freudian slip.

well, nickname contest is underway. prize to the winner.

and will there be tee shirts on this blog? will there be bloggers?

and jimmy smith is now going to do something else for a time . . .; June 1, 2008 3:34 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Honorable Baby Seal, you is now a Columnist with special privileges ... Jimmy may have kept it a secret from you but, the last time I checked, the Boss had given you the keys to Shop ...

That means you can hang as many baseball pitchers as you like (especially those who lose) ... just about anywhere in the Shop ... and take down those you don't like ... you can do just 'bout anything you want ... except, don't press the red button on my chair ... and please leave me some candy!

Tell whoever said this was a haircut blog and not a Braves' Baseball Blog that they're wrong ... this is a haircut place where we blog about Braves' Baseball ... and whatever else suits the fancy of us and our patrons.

Talk may be cheap ... but ain't nothin' better than good talk, no matter what it's about ... 'cept maybe sousemeat, hotwater cornbread and buttermilk!

Well, molasses puff candy and good banana puddin'!

No Sirree Bob, tell folks that just 'cause Braves' Baseball ain't being spoke when they stop by, is no reason to leave ... start talking about it and others will join right in!; June 1, 2008 4:59 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Well, I hope Bruce hits .600 for the rest of the year ... contagion can carry a team a long way, up or down ... it's one of the keys to team performance.

Given a relatively healthy Larry Jones, the keys to his performance is focus ... he can hit .400 ... but should he slide, as predicted by conventional wisdom, a primary contributor will be a loss of confidence in the team's ability to win the grand prize.

I've never considered Chipper to be a leader, but it's truly a shame that his play hasn't inspired more of his mates to emulate what appears to be his current approach to hitting.

Instead, methinks they have become overly dependent upon him ... and as a group, they seem to be trying to do to much too quickly ... sorta like trying to hit grand slams with nobody on base ... too anxious to do more than they can reasonably expect.

I think that's what's happening to Escobar ... it's almost like someone sat him down and told him what was being expected ... and, his assimilation of that information has caused him to change his focus from "besting the pitcher" to "meeting expectations".

It has often been said of Bobby Cox that his teams are never beaten ... it's just that sometimes they run out of time ... haven't heard that much in the last three years.; June 1, 2008 5:49 PM
hillbilly said...: Well, I went out to Los Angeles, California, and I saw a semi-truck along the side of the road and it said "Dakota the Dancing Bear" on the side of it. Now they charged you 50 cents to watch this bear dance around the truck. So, I turned to Arlo and I said, "Arlo, we oughta get down off these motor-sickles and walk over there and see if that's the same bear Betty was telling us about when she was drivin' a semi-truck for us back in Nashville, Tennessee." So we got down off our motor-sickles and we walked over there eating our pickles.

Now there were 4 or 5 hundred thousand of these hippie-freaks standing around waiting on a rock festival. It appeared that David Allan Coe, Kris Kristofferson and the Grand Funk Railroad were playing in town that day. And their airplane had got hi-jacked somewhere over Chicago, Illinois. So it turns out that the people with short hair started throwing rocks at the people that had long hair. And the people with long hair started throwing the rocks back. Come to find out in California when you go to a Rock Festival, you're supposed to carry your own rocks.

Well we walked up to the bear's cage and the bear looked at me and he said:

"I know you. You're David Allan Coe and that's Arlo Guthrie...And y'all sing country and western music on jukebox, radio, and television. And y'all gave me some acid when I's in Nashville and started me to dancing around this truck."

I said, "That's right son, That's why I'm here. You see, you owe us 50 percent of all the money you've been making since you've been out here on the road."

He said, "Man, I ain't got no money!"

I said, "What'd ya do with it?"

He pointed to the next cage and there was a female bear over there shooting up heroine. And before I could say anything I turned around and I saw a Greyhound bus painted black and white. And it said "The David Allan Coe Show: The Mysterious Rhinestone Cowboy, and the Tennessee Hat-Band" on the side of it. And there was a woman driving the bus. And sure-enough it was ol' Pusher Betty and she didn't have no bra on. And she said to me she said....."Hey Dave Come 'ere quick there's something you gotta see. That man has got a DANCING BEAR tied up to that old tree."

We sang "Dance, Dance, Dakota Dance. All around the country store. Me and Sweet Betty ain't never seen a bear that could dance before. Well it's one step, two step, three step, four....A bottle of soda and he'll dance some more. Dance, Dance, Dakota Dance. All around the country store.; June 2, 2008 12:54 PM
Matthew, Dad to Walter said...: Okay, the Braves are back home, Smoltzy is back, and the Fish and Philthies are in for a series. 6 of 7 would be perfect.

Or better?; June 2, 2008 1:57 PM
Gil in Mechanicsville said...: hillbilly... that story gives a whole new meaning to the tern "getting stoned"...; June 2, 2008 4:27 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Gil, me think you're right ... David Allan Hillbilly might get away with that in LA but he's apt to be stoned if he's seen talking or dancing with bears in Arkansas.

Tie game going into the last two quarters of the 8th ... we've only left the bases loaded twice, trying for grand slams, methinks.

Hero Yunel Escobar? YES!; June 2, 2008 9:31 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Pitching change ... here's hopin' it's not three!; June 2, 2008 9:34 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Well, it didn't sound like John's new delivery fooled them but, 'twas the error and leaving the bases loaded three times that would have caused this one run loss ... I told you Yunel was a hero!!; June 2, 2008 10:13 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Stomach cramps have put me on the DL ... enjoy!

The Braves' victory ... not that I have stomach cramps!; June 2, 2008 10:20 PM
Bob, journalist said...: What price glory?

Well, he was the guy and while I agree that "he's quite an athlete and a guy who can pitch with pain" ... I would hope that upon reflection, neither John nor Braves' management would allow additional permanent, physical damage to be an acceptable price of winning.

Speaking of Braves' management ... whoever's coordinating things at Turner Field should be exiled for allowing a video game to continue playing during John's "entrance" ... certainly a lack of appreciation for the moment!; June 3, 2008 3:09 AM
hillbilly said...: SJA,

Good stuff. Even amidst all the hype and glory, Junior has never let it go to his head. He's played the game hard and with tons of class. It's a shame his approaching milestone isn't getting the press that it should be getting.; June 3, 2008 9:33 AM
Bob, journalist said...: My Oh My ... I've been found out!

I agree on Griffy ... though I didn't always ... methinks he's done well, given his circumstance.

Before heading to Walgreens to pick up some more candy ... I mean a prescription, I've placed a picture of "The Weed" down at the bottom ... I would have added the pics to the photo page in the "Back Room" ... but the boss knows how, and I don't!; June 3, 2008 2:49 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Hillary said "I am open to it, ... if it would help the party's prospects in November" ... unfortunately, it's not a joke ... depending of course, on what "it" and your "perspective" is ... my daddy always said it was important to keep one's perspective ... or was that Laertes' daddy?; June 3, 2008 4:27 PM
Bob, journalist said...: Folks wouldn't believe how much that "candy" is going to cost ... the Doctor hadn't yet called it in when I went to get it ... but they called and told Carol that she needed a special "Potassium" prescription as well ... both are supposed to be ready in 25 minutes.; June 3, 2008 4:33 PM
Stochastic Fats said...: Funny stuff.

Thanks.; September 17, 2008 11:40 AM